Vanilla porn gets a bad rap. This is largely because of mainstream media projects like the rabbit vibrator episode of Sex and the City or the 50 Shades books and movies.
It’s important to remember that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to practice sexual pleasure. What feels good is completely personal and can change with time.
1. Vanilla is more common
In a culture where “kink-shaming” is becoming more common, the term vanilla is being used as a derogatory word. It’s important to remember that sexuality is personal and subjective and what might be kinky for one person may be very vanilla for another.
What’s considered vanilla usually involves two people naked in bed, and doesn’t include any props, bondage or additional people. It could include oral sex, entry sex or any number of positions. It’s important to communicate with your partner about what you want out of your relationship.
Kink, fetish and BDSM can all be enjoyable parts of a sex life provided that it’s discussed beforehand, consent is given, boundaries are set and there is a clear safeword. However, pornography often doesn’t portray this essential discourse and can lead to resentment in relationships that are not based on a mutual give-and-take of pleasure. This can be especially harmful to young viewers who can be influenced to engage in unsafe, non-consensual sex. Ultimately, it’s best to avoid putting labels on yourself or your sexuality and just enjoy it!
2. It’s easier to communicate
Vanilla porn is a more accessible way for people who aren’t interested in kink to explore their sexual interests with their partners. BDSM porn often portrays extreme physical and sexual fetishism, which can be intimidating for those who are more comfortable with more vanilla experiences.
In some cases, this can lead to “vanilla shaming.” It’s become common to hurl the term vanilla as an insult, which is ironic because it actually means something nice and innocent. People who prefer vanilla sex are often accused of being basic in bed. However, the sex community is starting to change this perception with the advent of kink-free porn like Euphoria, which has received rave reviews for its straightforward, soft style.
Kink, fetishism, and role-playing are all acceptable parts of sex, as long as the boundaries are clearly communicated, and consent is given. But vanilla is a perfectly acceptable part of sex, and people who prefer it should be proud of their choice. This is especially true since sex doesn’t have to be violent or painful to be fulfilling.
3. It’s more romantic
In the world of pornography and kink, there’s a lot of “vanilla-shaming” going on. While accepting people who like kink is an incredibly positive thing, when it turns into shaming those who don’t, it can take a negative turn. It’s important to remember that vanilla is just as valid a sexual preference as anything else.
Usually described as any sex that is not kink or rough sex, vanilla sex can include things like stroking, oral sex, licking, cuddling and touching. It also includes mild forms of kink like using restraints and other novelties, like games, love dice and body paint.
These forms of sex are not to be compared to the power-fixated, exploitative dominance seen in porn and BDSM, as these relationships are often consensual and loving. Vanilla couples may even use contracts to discuss and renegotiate their roles as they see fit. These contracts can bring meaning to any relationship, even if it isn’t as hardcore as 50 Shades of Grey. Whether you’re a vanilla or a kink lover, the key is to be open and honest about what you want from your sex life and to create a safe space to explore it.
4. It’s more empowering
Many people who practice kink and/or swinging refer to those that subscribe to a more conventional sex life as ‘vanilla.’ This may seem strange to those outside of the kink community, but it’s an important distinction. Essentially, people who practice vanilla sex enjoy the more traditional sexual acts that are commonly practiced in the context of their culture. This could be anything from regular intercourse to oral sex, masturbation, giggling, touching and light sex. Kinky activities, on the other hand, may involve spanking, restraining, biting/nibbling, telling someone what to do/doing as they’re told, pain (hair pulling, squeezing, pinching, etc) or using toys.
Unfortunately, mainstream pornography glamorizes these types of acts. This can cause people to feel shamed for not engaging in kinks or rough sex, even though those things can be enjoyable when they are discussed and consent is given beforehand. This often leads to a desensitization of sexual violence and the blurring of lines within consent. It’s no wonder that therapists like Jakub are seeing an increase in people who claim to be vanilla.
5. It’s more flexible
For many, vanilla porn involves tame sexual content such as moaning, touching and kissing. It might also involve mild kinks such as oral and penetration. It is often based on romantic relationships and feels natural to engage in.
In contrast, BDSM may involve more extreme and challenging sexual acts. It can be a way to relieve stress or trauma and it can be used to explore sexual fantasies. It can include fetishes and bondage, and it can involve a number of different positions. It is also possible to role-play in a BDSM relationship such as becoming anal or being choked.
BDSM is popular among younger generations. Teenagers see outrageous sex acts on the big screen and it can impact how they think about sex and their relationship.
However, vanilla porn can be just as arousing for some. In fact, it can be more arousing for some people as it is less threatening and intense. The problem is that a lot of people who prefer vanilla porn are being shamed for it in the kink community. What’s kinky to one person is vanilla to another, so it’s important to respect everyone’s preferences.